I need an opinion from someone outside the friends/family circle about a marriage problem.?
April 8, 2010 by
Filed under printed skirt
My husband and I have been married for 17 years with 2 children (ages 8 and 13). About 6 months ago I found some communication that was made via internet between my husband and another woman (who is 15 yrs his junior) whom he met while playing an online game. Not only did I find sexual comments between them there were some very deep conversations of concern and care for one another. Knowing full well this couldn’t develop into anything physical (she lives several states away) I was still deeply hurt and I confronted him about this. He immediately gave excuses that he was just “using” her so he could advance further in this online game and he was just feeding her what she wanted to hear. He also went on to say they were just friends and there was nothing to worry about as she is also a lesbian. He stopped playing this online game and assured me all communication would stop. About 3 months later (I’m not proud of this) I kinda felt something was going on because he would be online all through the night while I was sleeping so I hacked into his email. I found a “secret” email account, a “secret” MySpace account which was viewable by his approved friends only. I found more communication between he and this woman and found he was playing this online game again with her. More intimate comments. I confronted him again and he went on to say that he needed someone to talk to and I don’t listen to him (which is very untrue–I am always willing to discuss anything that is on his mind but he never brought anything up). Our sexual relationship has diminished down to maybe once or twice a month (his choice). He also continuted to state that they are just friends and nothing unappropriate was said. I ended up contacting this woman via email and asked her about what their status was. She confessed to me that while they were friends there had been some very sexual discussions and she stated he had himself being single with children on his MySpace account. She apologized to me and insisted that she would cease all communication with him. With a printed copy of her email in my hand I showed my husband and he still was in denial. He says he loves me but he’s just stressed. Again he says he won’t do it again. I don’t believe him and I constantly check his email for anything suspicious. He recently found out I check his email because I confronted him when I found pictures that he took out of our window with his camera phone of a girl that lives across the street (wearing a very short skirt) that he had sent to his email account. He gave me several excuses (testing his camera??) and then proceeded to get angry that I check his email. I told him it was a lack of trust due to the past 2 online incidents. I feel awful for spying on him, I feel hurt that he would have this “emotional affair” with this young woman and lie to me about it even with proof in my hand. My mother in law tells me that’s just a thing that men do and I shouldn’t overreact. How can I not? What would you do in this situation?
confrontation now is no help at all. i guess, just be the kind of a perfect wife ever…
Hmmm, that’s tough. He hasn’t physically done anything, yet it seems he has committed infidelity in his mind. I wouldn’t believe him either after all the lies (and testing his camera, what a crock!). I personally would probably try some counseling. If that doesn’t work, the separate and divorce. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical one!
Emotional affairs are NOT “something men do”! Your MIL is foolishly sticking up for her son, and she’s crazy. If I were you, I’d either drag him to marrriage counseling, or toss him out for a while til he gets it together.
Tell your mother in law that the only men who do this are men looking for a lot of trouble. I’d keep a copy of your online e-mail. I’d also tell your husband to go to counseling (You can go to) and then get in touch with a divorce attorney to find out what rights you have and your husbands responsibilities in case things get that far. This is NOT acceptable behavior. Your husband is looking for an affair. Tell your husband counseling is a must to save the marriage. Good luck
Your mother in law is trying to protect her son. It’s not “just a thing that men do”. It’s wrong. It’s cheating. And they very well could have a physical affair. Planes, trains, and automobiles…. Plus she may not really live where she says she lives. I mean, for the sake of anonymity, I say I live in S.C. on YA and I really don’t….
My dad had an “emotional affair” with someone last summer which ended up being a physical affair this year. He filed for divorce the week of his and my mom’s 24th wedding anniversary (a few days ago). Honestly, I am not a proponent of divorce except in the cases of abuse and adultery. You deserve better than to live with a lying, cheating scumbag. He obviously doesn’t “love” you or he would treat you better. Try to get your assets in order, find a good lawyer, and do yourself a favor!
i wouldn’t say divorce him because its so drastic but i would stay at a friends or something for a while because he constantly has excuses and i believe that he will keep doing this if you keep accepting the excuses.
You’ve got the facts…in writing even!
And please remember, actions speak louder than words.
Your husband is lying (I know, because it’s happened to me)… Who knows why he is doing what he’s doing. You may never know…hell, he may not know! But the bottom line is, he IS cheating. Maybe not “literally”, but none-the-less, it’s disrespectful, and very hurtful.
I took my long term BF back…after the first time. He swore he’d never do it again…and just like you, I continued to find confirmations, he was STILL A DOG.
After 2 more times…I finally left him (And I stayed with him as long as I did…because of what he was SAYING too!)
Now, years later…I’m married to an amazing man. That cheating BF? Yes, he’s married too…she’s GORGEOUS, and looks like she’s very nice as well.
Yeah…he’s still after me. Emailing me occasionally, asking me to lunch, or wanting to know when my husband is going to be out of town.
It’s lame.
I’ll talk with him (Via email) for a few strings, then he starts up with the inappropriate talk, and I end the conversation. I keep my Husband informed of it all…
In the end, I feel bad for his wife…and thank my lucky stars, that I’m soooo done with him!!
It’s hard to end a marriage…especially since it’s all you’ve known, for so long…and with kids…
But if you stay, then he knows he can get away with this…he knows you’ll stay…since that’s what you’ve already done.
It’s a big decision…one not to be taken lightly.
I had to leave, for my own self respect. It hurt…for years. But I got over it. Got stronger, and fell for someone who was even better, because I could trust him!
The technical definition of adultery is having sexual relations with someone who is not your spouse. Cheating is another story, and everyone has their own definition as to what that is. A newer, more recent thing that has popped up in psychology circles is what’s called the “emotional affair” – it’s what takes place when a married person starts giving more attention, energy, and thought to someone they’re not married to. In an emotional affair, the married person doesn’t have sex with this third person, but they may tell that person things their spouse doesn’t know, they give that person more attention, they fantasize about that person, and things may escalate to the point where there is danger of a physical affair developing.
My definition of cheating is going outside of your relationship and doing things with another person that you would not do if your partner was standing right there. Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with you current partner or that you feel something is missing in the relationship. So basically it is not important whether it leads to sex it is very damaging no matter what. Expert advise Sometimes a relationship can be saved. If the cheater is genuinely sorry, has severed all ties with the Other Woman, and is willing to work hard to rebuild the broken trust, then the cheater might be worthy of a second chance. Make your judgement but take your time to think about it.
Im sorry hun
I can feel your pain. Sounds like there is something he is lacking in your relationship. It may not be your fault and it may not be his, just one of those things. First off, he needs to talk to someone abotu what is going on if he wants to save his marriage. He needs to figure out what he needs and how to communicate that to you. You can also try marriage counseling together.
Just maybe try adding some everyday excitement. Wearing something “fun” to bed, flirting throughout the day, sending cutesy texts, etc. Have a date night and just focus on each other. Try and regain that love and excitement you had when you first met.
Best of luck!
He is not getting something that he desires. Whatever that may be, I am not blaming you I am just explaining it. She gives him something he desires. Emotional affairs are not acceptable, they will lead to the destruction of your marriage.
I would be very hurt and angry as well. Even though he didn’t cheat it sure sounds like that’s what he’s looking for. You should talk to him and ask what brings him to this? Whats going wrong on your marriage and try to fix it. I believe if he did this this before he will not stop. Yeah men do this and so do women but that doesn’t mean you have to lay back and accept it. Get some back bone and put your foot down give him ultimatums! Good Luck I know its easier said then done.
His Needs; Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.
Sounds like he’s cybering to me.
If you have a sexy voice you get hit on constantly in those games.
That is bs what your mother in law said. She is just trying to defend her son. If the situation was reversed she wouldn’t be so blase about it. And Im sure your own mother wouldn’t say “oh honey that’s just how men are!” please.
He is making a conscious choice to go outside your relationship to get what he needs emotionally. That’s an emotional affair. Its easy for people to lie to themselves in these instances and say “well Im not having sex so its not cheating, Im not doing anything wrong” when in fact he is being deceitful to you. I would get into counseling to try and resolve the issues you both are having. He might have legitimate problems with the relationship, but how he is handling it is way out of line. No excuse for that.
First off, your mother-in-law is stupid and old fashioned. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard older women say “it’s just the way men are”. Your husband has completely crossed the line and totally disrespected you. Trust me, if things were reversed and you were doing this to your husband, he would be livid.
You have every right to check his e-mail account, etc. because you are his WIFE and everything between you two should be open. My hubby has my passwords and I have his. We have nothing to hide.
I would tell your husband exactly how you feel and exactly what you will tolerate and what you won’t. If he can’t respect that, then I would suggest marriage counseling.
Hi im just a married woman with friends whoever had the same problems and they have come to me with the same issues, and my same objective ive told them im going to tell you, Make the bedroom a little spicier, not just candles and and flowers and scents, i mean another partner, not just another body but a vibrator a limitless piece of clothing and a lot of sweets that you would love to like off you husband. Most men want to full-fill their fantasizes find out what that might be and try to make it happen if not for him but for you. You may not like the idea of sharing your mate but once you see him with that other woman doing things that you’ve never seen you sit back and enjoy that let him have his moment, and if you really loved watching him with another woman join in and just go with the flow theirs no harm in trying new things. just somethings ive tried and others i know also. surprise him get online mingle